<Airport security> ASO: Excuse me, sir, do you have any metal objects in your pockets? Derek: Yeah. ASO: Take them out and put them in the bucket. Derek: Coins, keys, tuning fork. Musician, I have to stay in tune, you know, be a moment. David: One more ASO: Ok, would you take this jacket off please? Derek: Oh, it's the zipper...settin off the machine. David: Let's go then, let's go hurry up. ASO: Step over here, please..... David: Troublemaker! ASO: Raise your arms....do you have any artificial plates or limbs? Derek: Not really, no.... ASO: Uh...would you umm...... David: Do it. Nigel: Do it.
--- Spinal Tap plays Heavy Duty ---
<Hotel Room, Chicago, Illinois> Artie: Hi, Artie Fufkin. Viv: Hi, Artie... Artie: Polymer Records, how are you, hey, how ya doin' you are ....Derek? Derek: Derek, Yeah. Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, how are you, I'm your promo man here in Chicago. Nigel: Wow, that's great. Artie: I love you guys, and... Nigel: Yeah. Artie: And of course, Nigel. Nigel: Nigel. Artie: I love you, Nigel Tufnel. Nigel: Right. Artie: I love your stuff, I go back with you guys.. boy do I? Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records Nigel: Right, yeah. Artie: And who are you, darlin'? Derek: Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy. Artie: Hello, Cindy. Nigel: And this is Belinda. Artie: Hello, Belinda... Belinda: Nice to meet you. Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, promo....and I'm...oh... what's going on here... Derek: They're making a... Artie: ...hi, hi guys, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, nice to see you, and where is David?... David, hi, Artie Fufkin, how are you? David: It's nice to see you.. Artie: We've got something exciting happening tomorrow.... Mick: The Food! The Food!...Ahhhhh...owwww...ohhhh ?: The food! RSG: Oh, thank god, civilization! Where do I put this?
<Disk an' Dat autograph session> Artie: What are you doing to me here? RO: I'm not doing anything. Artie: I thought we had a relationship here ... I don't know what happened? RO: Business is terrible, Artie, what can I tell you... this is the truth. Artie: I know business is terrible, but what happens with the with the record store with the promotion, and no one shows up! RO: This isn't a personal thing Artie, nobody's coming in the store to... Artie: Forget personal thing. We had a relationship here, forget about personal, what about a relationship?... I feel like a shlub, I don't know what's happening, It's me, that's what's happening. It's me, I did it, it's my fault. Nigel: We were told massive radio support. Artie: We did! We did massive. Nigel: Vast...they said vast radio support. Artie: We did massive, we saturated, we over saturated. That's what it is, It's me, I did it, I fucked up, I fucked up the timing, that's all, I fucked up the timing, I've got no timing, I've got no timing, I've got NO timing. You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me? Nigel: What? Artie: Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all, kick my ass, enjoy! C'mon, I'm not asking, I'm telling with this, kick my ass!
<Xanadu Star Theater, Cleveland, Ohio> Crowd: C'mon...c'mon! Derek: Well we've kept 'em waiting long enough. Let's do it to them. C'mon Mick!!! Nigel: Let's go Mr. Shrimpton! Derek: Let's rock'n roll! Crowd: C'mon. Let's hear some rock'n roll! Derek: Rock 'n roll!!! Nigel: Let's go then!!! Viv: Yeah. Yeah mate!!! Derek: Going to be a hot one isn't it? Nigel: It's going to be a great show. Derek: No it's not an exit. Not an exit. David: We don't want an exit. Derek: No, that's true. David: Try this way. Derek: I hope so. This way. David: Wait, this looks familiar, though...it really does. Derek: Listen. Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap... David: Shit. Derek: Let's not lose it though! Let's not lose it...Where the fuck is Ian? You know he should be here. Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap.... Derek: We got to get to it someway. We've been on stage right? David: We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight. Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall.... David: Yeah. Janitor: ...turn right... David: Yeah. Janitor: ...and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet. Derek: A jog? Janitor: ...jog to the left... David: A jog? Derek: We don't have time for that. Janitor: ...go straight ahead... David: We trust you. We trust you. Janitor: ...go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"... David: Yeah. Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage! David: You think so? Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you? David: We've got guitars yeah. Janitor: It's on the... David: Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'n roll! Rock and roll!!! Viv: Let's get it! Let's get it! David: This way? Derek: No, this way. David: I see, this way. Derek: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland! Hello Cleveland!!! Nigel: Let's go! David: Fuck! Janitor: You must've made a wrong turn. Derek: We gotta go another way. David: Other way. Other way. Other way. Derek: Other way. Other way.
<Season's Restaurant> David: I hate to keep harping on this, but I think that the notion of a black album has really cursed us, in a way. Ian: Believe me, we're getting some very substantial reports of airplay. I don't think we have to worry about that. Jeanine: You know, it might have been better if the, uh, album had been mixed right. David: Well I suppose you could cry about that, of course it's true. I mean it's true. Jeanine: It wasn't...it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it? Nigel: It was mixed wrong? Jeanine: Yeah.... Nigel: Were you there? Jeanine: ...you couldn't hear the... Nigel: How do you know it was mixed wrong? David: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the record. Jeanine: No, but I've heard the album. Nigel: So you're judgement is it was mixed wrong. Jeanine: You couldn't hear the lyrics on all of it. David: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals? Nigel: No, I don't. I do not agree. No. David: Well I think maybe.... Nigel: It's interesting that she's bringing it up. David: Well she'd like to hear the vocals. Nigel: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're using the wrong conditioner for your hair. It looks sort of... frizzy. David: Don't be stupid. Jeanine: You don't, you don't do heavy metal in dobly, you know, I Mean...it's Nigel: In what??? In what??? Jeanine: In dobly... Nigel: In doubly!?! What's that? David: She means Dolby, alright? She means Dolby, you know? You know perfectly well what she means. Nigel: ...ha ha... David: We shan't recover from this one. We shan't recover from this one. Ian: Oh, come on. David: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one moment because I've got, you know, something I'd like to show you. These, uh, Jeanine's been working on these very hard. These are a new direction... Jeanine: Got a new idea for a new presentation. David: ...a stage look...for the band fashioned after... Jeanine: The signs of the zodiac. David: ...the signs of the zodiac. Jeanine: We needed a new presentation. David: This is a look for Viv; he's a Libra. There's sort of the ying...yang... Jeanine: ...ying and the yang... David: ...sort of look, this is Nigel. He's...he's uh... Capricorn. Sort of a goat look. Jeanine: I've given you a little bib. Nigel: Is this a joke? David: ...this is the... Nigel: Excuse me, is this a joke? Jeanine: A joke??? David: Just bear with us for one moment please. This...I love this. I wish I were... Cancer the crab. Nigel: Oh, that's attractive. David: This is your crab face. Give me a chance! Give it a chance...and this is a... Jeanine: David's a lion. Ian: David. David. David. Wait, please, wait a minute. Have you any idea what it will cost to dress up the band as animals? Jeanine: Oh, it don't cost nothing. It really doesn't. David: They're not animals, they're signs of the zodiac. Ian: They're animals. David: It's a way to fight the drabs. You know we've got the drabs. Nigel: Well that's true. I think mine would look good - better in doubly. If it was done in doubly.... Jeanine: Oh shut up!!! David: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm quite open minded enough Derek: David. No, no, David, there are solutions to all problems. I think we know what they are. David: I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them from another quarter than this .. Derek: We can take the rational approach; we can say.... Nigel: May I make a suggestion? May I make a suggestion? I've got one other suggestion. David: Well let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion. Nigel: Stonehenge! Stonehenge. It's the best production value we've ever had on stage. David: But we haven't got the equipment. We haven't got the equipment, we haven't got Stonehenge, we haven't... Nigel: Not yet we don't. Let's start... David: We haven't got... Nigel: Please, please just a moment. Musically, musically we all know it. Ian: We know it works...I don't think it's a bad idea. Nigel: Musically we all know it. Right? No problems musically. We go right on stage. And it's quite simple. This is you know...Ian can take care of this... David: I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We don't have that piece of scenery anymore. Nigel: I know, so we build a new one. And this is it, look! Ian: Consider...consider it done. David: So you're just going to take care of it like that. You're going to find someone to design it...using that as a plan? Ian: Let's try. Let's try. David: If you can do it, I'll do the number.
<interview in storeroom> Marty: Do you feel that in collaboration with David, that you are afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically the way you would like to? Nigel: Well, I think I do you know in my solos. My solos are my trademark.
<cut to Nigel's guitar solo>
<cut to room in Austin, Texas> Ian: This looks absolutely perfect. I mean it's, uh, the right proportions. It'll be this color right? Artist: Yeah. Yeah. Ian: Yeah. That's...that's...that's just terrific. It almost looks like the real thing. Artist: You got it. Ian: When we get the actual, uh, set, when we get the piece, it'll...it'll follow exactly these specifications. I mean even these contours and everything? Artist: Um, I'm not understanding it. What do you mean "the actual piece?" Ian: Well I mean...I mean when you build the actual piece. Artist: But this is what you asked for, isn't it? Ian: What? Artist: Well this is the piece. Ian: This is the piece? Artist: Yes. Ian: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery? Have you ever been to Stonehenge? Artist: No, I haven't been to Stonehenge. Ian: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high. You can stand four men up them! Artist: Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen inches high. Ian: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery. Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build. Eighteen inches. Right here, it specifies eighteen inches. I was given this napkin, I mean... Ian: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!!
--- Spinal Tap performs Stonehenge --- Nigel: And, oh, how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge beneath the haunted moon, or fear that daybreak might come too soon.
<Hotel room> David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem may have been... that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object. Ian: I really think you're just making a much too big thing out of it. Derek: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good idea. Ian: Nigel gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches. Alright? David: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about. Ian: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told. David: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel is. Ian: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative element of this band. And that's what I did. C'mon... Jeanine: The audience were laughing. Ian: So it became a comedy number. David: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not pleasant to be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage, perhaps, it was very amusing. Derek: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear. David: What do you mean? Derek: So he won't trod upon it. David: I don't think that's the issue. I think it's symptomatic that maybe you're taking on more than you can...uh...uh.. uh...handle. Jeanine: It's not exactly the first time you've messed things up is it? David: I mean there's been some, uh, gaping holes in the business end of this, of this, uh. Ian: "Not the first time"...just a minute. Excuse me. This is a band meeting. Right? Are you here for some reason? David: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's, she's with me. Ian: No, but is she now in the band. Is she singing backup or something? Jeanine: I care what happens to the band. David: She's with me alright? Ian: David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves... David: Hey don't knock it mate. Don't knock it mate. Ian: ...you start screaming like a bunch of poncy hairdressers. I mean it's just a problem you know. It gets solved... Jeanine: It doesn't. Ian: ...you can't...you can't live in a bubble. Jeanine: If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight? Ian: For one thing that goes wrong...one...one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin! David: Yes. We've seen you. We've seen you do that. Ian: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do. Jeanine: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the lost luggage, and you should concentrate on what's going on on stage! David: Yes, yes. That's what we're talking about. Ian: You mean you want me to be the road manager? David: All bad...No, all bad ba...uh, could we... Jeanine: What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a word through, is...you could maybe...do with some help. Ian: Some help? Jeanine: ...managing the band. David: It's very simple, it's very simple. Jeanine: It's that clear. David: Maybe there's someone already in the organization. We don't have to pay insurance. We don't have to pay extra room, etc. Since she's already here, she's already among us, and uh, she can...she is perfectly capable of taking over... Ian: She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute! David: Well who do you think I'm talking about? Who do you think I'm talking about? Ian: I would...I would have never dreamed in a million years that it was her you were talking about! David: Why not? Jeanine: I am offering to help out here. Ian: No, you're not offering to help out. You're offering to co-manage the band with me. Is that it? David & Jeanine: Yes! David: In so many words, that is exactly it. Jeanine: Exactly! Ian: I'm certainly not going to co-manage with some...some... some girl just because she's your girlfriend... David: Don't call her my girlfriend! Ian: Alright, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know... Jeanine: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn't manage a classroom full of kids! I don't know what you're doing managing a band! David: Why don't we just... Jeanine: Oh shut up!!! Ian: Look, look...I...I...this is...this is my position okay? I am not managing it with you or any other woman, especially one that dresses like an Australian's nightmare. So fuck you!!! Jeanine: Fuck you too!!! Ian: And fuck all of you...because I quit! Alright? That's it! Good night!!! Derek: Can I raise a practical question at this point? David: Yeah. Derek: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow? David: No we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!!
<airport> Jeanine: OK, we're all set, thank you, alright fellows, We've got the tickets. We're on the 3:10 flight, gate 24, alright. And it arrives at 4:00 in Colorado, and then we've got a limo to take us to the lodge. David: That's about a hundred yards from Rainbow Trout Studio. Jeanine: Uh, what I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts. David: Wait till you see this, wait till you see this, this is so great Jeanine: The band's sign is Virgo, and we see it's Saturn in the third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But, because Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the Zodiac, we're gonna pull through this, with great aplomb. David: Yeah. It is so clear, it really is, it's so clear... Jeanine: Nigel hasn't got one, Nigel, Nigel, we've got some pages for you here... David: He's got one, he's got one...you know, think about what jumble a tour usually is... Jeanine: If you have a look at this.... he doesn't want it? David: No, He's got one, he's got one Jeanine: Now, what I want to explain to you here is that Denver..
<Interview in storeroom II> Marty: How would you characterize your relationship with David over the years. Has it changed in any way? Nigel: Not really, I mean, you know, they go, we've grown up but really it's not, no, not really... we we feel like children much of the time, even when we're playing. We're closer than brothers. Brothers always fight, sort of disagreements, and all that. We really have a relationship that's way, way past that.
<Rainbow Trout Studio> David: Ahhhhhhh... Nigel: He can't play the fucking guitar anymore. Derek: You know the part, you did it this morning. Nigel: No, he doesn't know the fucking...if he knew the fucking part he'd play it, wouldn't he?... Are you walking out? Are you walking out? Derek: Fuck! Nigel: Great, just tell me what I'm supposed to do, alright? David: We're supposed do play the fucking thing, aren't we. We've no choice, we've spent an hour and a half... Nigel: I'm doing my part...do you know what would make this a lot simpler, I mean I hate to cut right through it here, why don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel hanging over your head, you know what I mean? Derek: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need! Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife! David: She's not my wife! Nigel: Whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate, we can't fucking do the track. David: This is unbelievable! This is unbelievable! Nigel: No, it's not unbelievable at all...it all leads up to this...it all leads up to this David: This is unbelieveable. Will you check me on this, am I losing my fucking mind? Could you check me on this, am I losing my mind? I-I-I-I don't understand what this has to do with anything.
<Derek's office> Derek: We're very lucky in the sense that we've got two visionaries in the band. Marty: Right. Derek: David and Nigel are both like, uh, like poets you know like Shelley or Byron, or people like that. The two totally distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically, you see and I feel my role in the band, is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water, in a sense.
<Limo> Jeanine: Listen, I don't think we've got time to go to the hotel, I think we better go straight to the base. Nigel: To the what? Viv: Base? David: The gig. Derek: To the Civic Arena, right? David: No, it fell through. Jeanine: No. Nigel: Wait a sec, wait a sec, hold it, hold it! Do you know about this, and we don't know about this? What are you talking about? Jeanine: We are going to the Air Force base. Nigel: Why are we going to an Air Force base? Jeanine: Cause the original gig fell through....
<Lindberg Air Force Base, Seattle, Washington> Jeanine: Lieutenant Hookstrat.... Hookstratten:Ahh...Hookstratten..and you are Spinal Tarp? Jeanine: I'm Jeanine Pettibone, and this is Spinal TAP. Hookstratten:Spinal TAP, my mistake, I'm Lieutenant Bob Hookstratten. Welcome to the Lindberg Air Force base. This is your gentlemen's first visit to a military facility? Derek: Yeah... Hookstratten:Fine, may I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here, we are such fans of your music, and all of your records. Derek: That's great Hookstratten:I am not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll... David: I can understand that. Derek: It's a great genre. Hookstratten:...of the exciting things that are happening in the music today. Let me explain a bit of what's going on. This is our monthly "at-ease weekend", gives us the chance to kind of let down our hair, although I see you all have a head start. These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster, believe me. Although I shouldn't talk I, my hair's getting a little shaggy too, better not get too close to you, they'll think I'm part of the band, I am joking, of course. Shall we go in and I'll show you around. Walk this way, please, right through here. Did you ever run into a musical group works out of Kansas City call themselves "Four Jacks and a Jill"? They've been at a Ramada Inn there for about 18 months. If you're ever in Kansas City and want to hear some good music, you might want to drop by. I would like to get the playing on about 1900 hours, if that is satisfactory? Derek: When will that be? Hookstratten:I make it now it is about 1830 hours. Derek: So that's what? about 50 hours? David: 120 hours? Hookstratten:That's actually about 30 minutes, about a half hour, give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you. The idea is that we get it on and we get it over with and I have just one request, would you play a couple of slow numbers so I can dance.
--- Spinal Tap performs Sex Farm ---
Jeanine: He totally ruined the gig, there. He walks off and then you know, he can't be expected to sit home and get money, so we've got to get someone else in there.
<Hotel lobby> Marty: Has he ever done this before? Has he ever.... David: Well, no. Marty: ...quit the band before? David: No, but it's....you've got to understand that like in the world of rock and roll there are certain changes that sometimes occur, and you've just got to, sort of, roll with them, you know. I mean you read... you read... you saw exactly how many people who's been in this band over the years, 37 people's been in this band over the years. I mean it's like, you know, six months from now, I can't see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss Ross McLochness, or Ronnie Pudding, or Danny Upham, or Little Danny Schindler, or any of those, you know, it's... Marty: I can't...I can't believe it. I can't believe that, you know, that, you're lumping Nigel in with uh you know these people you've played with for a short period of time... David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation, but still in all, I mean you've got to be realistic about this sort of thing, you know.... Marty: So, what happens to the band now? David: What do you mean? Marty: He's not coming back, or...? David: No, we, we shan't work together again.
<Themeland Amusement Park, Stockton, California> Jeanine: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times: put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet show" last. Derek: It's a morale builder, isn't it? Jeanine: We've got a big dressing room, though. David: What? Jeanine: Got a big dressing room here... David: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets? Oh, that's refreshing.. Viv: I've got some of this Mendocino Rocket Fuel, that's supposed to be really...... David: Can you play...excuse me, Viv, can you play a bassline, uh, like Nigel used to do on "Big Bottom", can you double that? You recall the lines in fifths? Viv: Oh, yeah. I've got two hands here, yeah I can do it. David: So, that's good, you can play that one. Derek: "Hole" is out, "Heavy" is out.... David: "Heavy-Hole" .... Derek: Right, right, right, right...."America" is out..... David: "America" we can't do, that's Nigel's tune, not my tune. Derek: We know, we know, we know, we know...That's a nice little set, isn't it, that's a cozy ten minutes. David: What are we going to do, we've got nothing to play here... Derek: I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do... David: What? Derek: Jazz odyssey! David: We're not going about to do a free-form jazz, uh, exploration in front of a festival crowd!
--- Spinal Tap Mark II performs Jazz Odyssey --- David: You are witnesess at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark II, hope you enjoy our new direction... ...on the bass: Derek Smalls, he wrote this.....
<End of Tour Party, Los Angeles> Reporter: So tonight's the last show of the tour. How's that feel? You know, is like this your last waltz, are we talkin' the end of Spinal Tap, or are you gonna try to milk it for a few more years in Europe, I mean.... David: Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can be assessed...uh as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like, it's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe you say the...if the universe is indeed infinite then how what does that mean? How far is is t...is all the way and then if it stops what's stoppin' it and what's behind what's stoppin' it, so what's the end, you know, is my...question to you.... Guy: 'Sa good crowd. Good crowd. Jeanine: It is, isn't it? Guy: Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these things just, you know, don't mean much. Jeanine: It was hard to get at the last minute, you know, you can't arrange it all overnight. Derek: David, we had a fifteen-year ride, mate. 'Mean, who wants to be a fuck'n forty-five year old rock'n'roller farting around in front of people less than half their age?.... David: So true, so true, yeah.... Derek: ...cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging bullshit, you know, that we've forgotten... David: It would b...it's beneath us...who wants to see that... not me. Derek: That's right...absolutely right. I mean, we could take those projects that we thought, you know, we didn't have time for.... David: Oh, there's dozens, there's so many dozens of projects. Derek: You know, we didn't have time for 'em because of Tap and bring 'em back to life maybe. David: Do you remember what we were...do you remember the time? Derek: At the Luton...at the Luton Palace... David: Yes. Derek: We were talking about a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper... David: Yeah,'Saucy Jack.' Derek: Right.'Saucy Jack.' Now's the time to do that. David: "Saucy Jack, you're a naughty one, Saucy Jack, you're a haughty one, Saucy Jack." Derek: Right... David: It's a freein' up, innit? Derek: Yeah. David: It's all this free time it's suddenly time is so elastic.. Derek: It's a gift, it's a gift of freedom. You know. David: I've always, I've always wanted to do a collection of my acoustic numbers with the London Philharmonic as you know. Derek: We're lucky. David: Yeah. Derek: I mean people...people should be envying us. You know. David: I envy us. Derek: Yeah. David: I do. Derek: Me too.
<Dressing Room, last gig of the tour> Derek: We'll make 'em miss us. Viv: Last stop. David: I'm in, I'm in tune...the last tuning Derek: Last tuning... Jeanine: ...time to go...shall we go...I think it's time to go. Derek: Yeah, we're gonna do a good show, we'll do a dynamite show David: Come to see the show? Nigel: Yeah, hi, Mick! Mick: Nige. David: So d'you just come here to hang around backstage like a real rock and roller? Is that what you're doing? Nigel: I'm really a messenger... David: A messenger... Nigel: Yeah, I bumped into Ian, and.... David: Ian...Ian?...oh, the other dead man, yeah. Nigel: Seems that "Sex Farm" is on the charts in Japan... Derek: Spinal Tap's recording of "Sex Farm". Nigel: It's number five, last week, actually. So, he, he, he, um he asked me, to ask you, Tap, if you would be interested in reforming and, uh, doing a tour. Japan. David: So you've come back to replug our life-support systems in? Is that it? By the grace of your, of your, uh by the stroke of your hand...you...is that what you're gonna do? ...you are going to bring us back to life? Is that what you've come here for? Nigel: No I've come... David: I mean it's...I don't...you've a fucking... nerve that you display in com... Nigel: No that's it's I'm just passing on information, really... Jeanine: Yeah, I think it's time to go in, we don't have time to discuss this now... Nigel: David; do a good show, alright David: Yeah, OK.
--- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Going to Rock You Tonight-- David: Nigel Tufnel, Lead guitar!
<Spinal Tap tours Japan>
<Closing credits> Marty: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development? Derek: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like going, going to a national park, or something, and there's, you know, they preserve the moose...and that's, that's my childhood up there on stage is that moose, you know, and.. and... Marty: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage? Derek: Yeah.
David: I've been listening to the classics, I belong to a...great series um..It's called the 'Namesake Series' of cassettes. Marty: Uh huh.. David: And they send you the works of famous authors, done by actors with the same last name. So I've got Denholm Elliot reading T.S. Elliot on this one... Marty: Yeah...well, that's interesting... David: I've go... Yes, I've got Danny Thomas doing "A Child's Christmas in Wales" by Dylan Thomas, and...next month it's Mclean Stephenson reads Robert Louis Stevenson. Ah, "Treasure Island" I believe. Marty: That's interesting...It's fascinating. David: Yeah.. and there's also something...there's uh shorter works of Washington Irving, read by someone called Dr. J. Marty: Oh, that's Julius Irving...Julius Irving... David: Oh! Marty: The basketball player. David: There you go, in keeping with the series, yes. I didn't know that, yeah.
Nigel: You like this? Marty: It's very nice ...it looks like Halloween... Nigel: This is exact... my exact inner structure, done in a T-shirt. Exactly, medically accurate, see. Marty: So, in other words, if we were to take all your flesh and blood and every.... Nigel: ..take them off... Marty: ...and you'd see..exact... Nigel: This is what you'd see... Marty: It wouldn't be green, though?. Nigel: It *is* green! You know, see, see how your blood looks blue? Marty: Yeah, well, that's just the vein, I mean the color of the vein, the blood is actually red.. Nigel: Oh, mabye it's not green...anyway, this is what I sleep in sometimes. Marty: Yeah.
Marty: Denis Eton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records... Ian: Yes. Marty: ...was recently knighted, what were the circumstances surrounding his knighthood? Ian: The specific reason why he was knighted was uh for the founding of Hoggwood, which is um, a summer-camp for pale, young boys.
Marty: David St. Hubbins...I ne..I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name... David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint. Marty: Oh, there actually is, uh...there was a Saint Hubbins? David: That's right, yes. Marty: What was he the saint of? David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Marty: You play to predominantly, uh predominantly a white audience, you feel your music is racist in any way? David: No! Nigel: No, no, of course not.... David: We pro...we say, we say "love your brother", we don't say it, really, but.. Nigel: We don't literally say it. David: No, we don't say it ...at all. Nigel: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not racists. David: No, we don't believe it either, but...that message should be clear anyway. Nigel: We're anything but racists.
Derek: You know, we've grown musically... I mean, listen to some of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid... Marty: Yeah. Derek: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we're taking a sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know, and music... Marty: ...and put it on a farm? Derek: Yeah.
Marty: If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life, or your creed... what would that be? Viv: "Have...a good...time...all the time." That's my philosophy, Marty!
David: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human, than someone who doesn't believe anything.
Marty: Do you have a philosohpy, or creed that you live by? Mick: Well...like, personally, I like to think about sex and drugs and rock'n'roll, you know, that's my life... Marty: Yeah.
David: yeah... Marty: If you were to have something written as your epitaph... David: "Here lies David St. Hubbins...and why not?" Marty: You feel that sums up your...your life? David: No, 's the first thing I could think of. Marty: Oh, I see... David: It doesn't sum up anything, really. Marty: Yeah.
Nigel: I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish... Marty: What kind of fish? Nigel: Well, in the United States, you have cod...I like cod. And I love tuna...those little cans you've got here... tuna fish. Marty: Yeah. Nigel: ...no bones! Marty: Yeah.
Marty: If you could not play rock'n roll, what would you do?
David: Be a full time dreamer!
Viv: I'd probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool of myself in public, 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to go on.
Derek: Probably work with children.
Mick: As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock'n'roll.
Nigel: Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind or... or do uh... freelance... selling of some sort of... uh... product, you know... Marty: A salesman, you think you .... Nigel: A salesman, like, maybe in a haberdasher, or maybe like a...uh a chapeau shop, or something...you know, like: "Would you...what size do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me. Marty: Uh...seven and a quarter. Nigel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like that I could do. Marty: Yeah...you think you be happy doing something like Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing, I think I could probably muster up. Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that? Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?
Cast (in order of appearance)
Marty DiBergi Rob Reiner Heavy Metal Fans Kimberly Stringer Chazz Dominguez Shari Hall Mick Shrimpton R.J. Parnell Viv Savage David Kaff Ian Faith Tony Hendra David St. Hubbins Michael McKean Nigel Tufnel Christopher Guest Derek Smalls Harry Shearer Tommy Pischedda Bruno Kirby Ethereal Fan Jean Cromie New York M.C. Patrick Maher John "Stumpy" Pepys Ed Begley Jr. Ronnie Pudding Danny Kortchmar Bobbi Fleckman Fran Drescher Sir Denis Eton-Hogg Patrick MacNee Bartender Memo Vera Mime Waitress Julie Payne Mime Waiter Dana Carvey Angelo DiMentibello Sandy Helberg Angelo's Associate Robin Mendken Rolling Stone Reporter Zane Buzby Morty The Mime Billy Crystal Limo Groupie Jennifer Child Rack Jobber J.J. Barry Southern Rock Promoter George McDaniel Tucker "Smitty" Brown Paul Benedict Reba Anne Churchill Terry Ladd Howard Hessman Duke Fame Paul Shortino Fame Groupies Cherie Darr Lara Cody Student Promoter Andrew J. Lederer Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs Russ Kunkel "Jamboree Bop" Dancers Diana Duncan Gina Marie Pitrello Jeanine Pettibone June Chadwick Cindy Vicki Blue Belinda Joyce Hyser Airport Security Officer Gloria Gifford Artie Fufkin Paul Shaffer Room Service Guy Archie Hahn Disc 'n Dat Manager Charles Levin Janitor Wonderful Smith Polly Deutsch Anjelica Huston Little Druids Chris Romano Daniel Rodgers Lt. Hookstratten Fred Willard Joe "Mama" Besser Fred Asparagus L.A. Party Guest Rodney Kemerer Moke Robert Bauer
Feb 1996, firstname.lastname@example.org Amendments: Sept 16 1995 email@example.com