<Airport security>
ASO: Excuse me, sir, do you have any metal objects in your
pockets?
Derek: Yeah.
ASO: Take them out and put them in the bucket.
Derek: Coins, keys, tuning fork. Musician, I have to stay in
tune, you know, be a moment.
David: One more
ASO: Ok, would you take this jacket off please?
Derek: Oh, it's the zipper...settin off the machine.
David: Let's go then, let's go hurry up.
ASO: Step over here, please.....
David: Troublemaker!
ASO: Raise your arms....do you have any artificial plates or
limbs?
Derek: Not really, no....
ASO: Uh...would you umm......
David: Do it.
Nigel: Do it.
--- Spinal Tap plays Heavy Duty ---
<Hotel Room, Chicago, Illinois>
Artie: Hi, Artie Fufkin.
Viv: Hi, Artie...
Artie: Polymer Records, how are you, hey, how ya doin' you are
....Derek?
Derek: Derek, Yeah.
Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, how are you, I'm your
promo man here in Chicago.
Nigel: Wow, that's great.
Artie: I love you guys, and...
Nigel: Yeah.
Artie: And of course, Nigel.
Nigel: Nigel.
Artie: I love you, Nigel Tufnel.
Nigel: Right.
Artie: I love your stuff, I go back with you guys.. boy do I?
Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records
Nigel: Right, yeah.
Artie: And who are you, darlin'?
Derek: Oh, this is my special new friend, Cindy.
Artie: Hello, Cindy.
Nigel: And this is Belinda.
Artie: Hello, Belinda...
Belinda: Nice to meet you.
Artie: Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, promo....and I'm...oh...
what's going on here...
Derek: They're making a...
Artie: ...hi, hi guys, Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, nice to
see you, and where is David?... David, hi, Artie Fufkin,
how are you?
David: It's nice to see you..
Artie: We've got something exciting happening tomorrow....
Mick: The Food! The Food!...Ahhhhh...owwww...ohhhh
?: The food!
RSG: Oh, thank god, civilization! Where do I put this?
<Disk an' Dat autograph session>
Artie: What are you doing to me here?
RO: I'm not doing anything.
Artie: I thought we had a relationship here ... I don't know
what happened?
RO: Business is terrible, Artie, what can I tell you... this
is the truth.
Artie: I know business is terrible, but what happens with the
with the record store with the promotion, and no one shows
up!
RO: This isn't a personal thing Artie, nobody's coming in the
store to...
Artie: Forget personal thing. We had a relationship here, forget
about personal, what about a relationship?... I feel like
a shlub, I don't know what's happening, It's me, that's
what's happening. It's me, I did it, it's my fault.
Nigel: We were told massive radio support.
Artie: We did! We did massive.
Nigel: Vast...they said vast radio support.
Artie: We did massive, we saturated, we over saturated. That's
what it is, It's me, I did it, I fucked up, I fucked up
the timing, that's all, I fucked up the timing, I've got
no timing, I've got no timing, I've got NO timing. You
know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?
Nigel: What?
Artie: Do me a favor, just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for
a man, that's all, kick my ass, enjoy! C'mon, I'm not
asking, I'm telling with this, kick my ass!
<Xanadu Star Theater, Cleveland, Ohio>
Crowd: C'mon...c'mon!
Derek: Well we've kept 'em waiting long enough. Let's do it to
them. C'mon Mick!!!
Nigel: Let's go Mr. Shrimpton!
Derek: Let's rock'n roll!
Crowd: C'mon. Let's hear some rock'n roll!
Derek: Rock 'n roll!!!
Nigel: Let's go then!!!
Viv: Yeah. Yeah mate!!!
Derek: Going to be a hot one isn't it?
Nigel: It's going to be a great show.
Derek: No it's not an exit. Not an exit.
David: We don't want an exit.
Derek: No, that's true.
David: Try this way.
Derek: I hope so. This way.
David: Wait, this looks familiar, though...it really does.
Derek: Listen.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap...
David: Shit.
Derek: Let's not lose it though! Let's not lose it...Where
the fuck is Ian? You know he should be here.
Crowd: Tap! Tap! Tap....
Derek: We got to get to it someway. We've been on stage right?
David: We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing
tonight.
Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the
hall....
David: Yeah.
Janitor: ...turn right...
David: Yeah.
Janitor: ...and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.
Derek: A jog?
Janitor: ...jog to the left...
David: A jog?
Derek: We don't have time for that.
Janitor: ...go straight ahead...
David: We trust you. We trust you.
Janitor: ...go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the
next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized
Personnel Only"...
David: Yeah.
Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!
David: You think so?
Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
David: We've got guitars yeah.
Janitor: It's on the...
David: Alright! Thank you. Thank you very much. Rock 'n roll!
Rock and roll!!!
Viv: Let's get it! Let's get it!
David: This way?
Derek: No, this way.
David: I see, this way.
Derek: Straight through. Rock 'n roll! Hello Cleveland!
Hello Cleveland!!!
Nigel: Let's go!
David: Fuck!
Janitor: You must've made a wrong turn.
Derek: We gotta go another way.
David: Other way. Other way. Other way.
Derek: Other way. Other way.
<Season's Restaurant>
David: I hate to keep harping on this, but I think that the
notion of a black album has really cursed us, in a way.
Ian: Believe me, we're getting some very substantial reports
of airplay. I don't think we have to worry about that.
Jeanine: You know, it might have been better if the, uh, album had
been mixed right.
David: Well I suppose you could cry about that, of course it's
true. I mean it's true.
Jeanine: It wasn't...it was mixed all wrong, wasn't it?
Nigel: It was mixed wrong?
Jeanine: Yeah....
Nigel: Were you there?
Jeanine: ...you couldn't hear the...
Nigel: How do you know it was mixed wrong?
David: But she's...she's heard the...she's heard the record.
Jeanine: No, but I've heard the album.
Nigel: So you're judgement is it was mixed wrong.
Jeanine: You couldn't hear the lyrics on all of it.
David: You don't agree that you can't hear the vocals?
Nigel: No, I don't. I do not agree. No.
David: Well I think maybe....
Nigel: It's interesting that she's bringing it up.
David: Well she'd like to hear the vocals.
Nigel: I mean it's like it's me saying, you know, you're using
the wrong conditioner for your hair. It looks sort of...
frizzy.
David: Don't be stupid.
Jeanine: You don't, you don't do heavy metal in dobly, you know,
I Mean...it's
Nigel: In what??? In what???
Jeanine: In dobly...
Nigel: In doubly!?! What's that?
David: She means Dolby, alright? She means Dolby, you know?
You know perfectly well what she means.
Nigel: ...ha ha...
David: We shan't recover from this one. We shan't recover from
this one.
Ian: Oh, come on.
David: Can I have...can I have the floor for just one moment
because I've got, you know, something I'd like to show
you. These, uh, Jeanine's been working on these very hard.
These are a new direction...
Jeanine: Got a new idea for a new presentation.
David: ...a stage look...for the band fashioned after...
Jeanine: The signs of the zodiac.
David: ...the signs of the zodiac.
Jeanine: We needed a new presentation.
David: This is a look for Viv; he's a Libra. There's sort of the
ying...yang...
Jeanine: ...ying and the yang...
David: ...sort of look, this is Nigel. He's...he's uh...
Capricorn. Sort of a goat look.
Jeanine: I've given you a little bib.
Nigel: Is this a joke?
David: ...this is the...
Nigel: Excuse me, is this a joke?
Jeanine: A joke???
David: Just bear with us for one moment please. This...I love
this. I wish I were... Cancer the crab.
Nigel: Oh, that's attractive.
David: This is your crab face. Give me a chance! Give it a
chance...and this is a...
Jeanine: David's a lion.
Ian: David. David. David. Wait, please, wait a minute.
Have you any idea what it will cost to dress up the band
as animals?
Jeanine: Oh, it don't cost nothing. It really doesn't.
David: They're not animals, they're signs of the zodiac.
Ian: They're animals.
David: It's a way to fight the drabs. You know we've got the
drabs.
Nigel: Well that's true. I think mine would look good - better
in doubly. If it was done in doubly....
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
David: I knew it wouldn't be easy. I'm quite open minded enough
Derek: David. No, no, David, there are solutions to all
problems. I think we know what they are.
David: I've yet to hear them. I've yet to hear them from
another quarter than this ..
Derek: We can take the rational approach; we can say....
Nigel: May I make a suggestion? May I make a suggestion? I've
got one other suggestion.
David: Well let's hear yours. Let's hear your suggestion.
Nigel: Stonehenge! Stonehenge. It's the best production value
we've ever had on stage.
David: But we haven't got the equipment. We haven't got the
equipment, we haven't got Stonehenge, we haven't...
Nigel: Not yet we don't. Let's start...
David: We haven't got...
Nigel: Please, please just a moment. Musically, musically we
all know it.
Ian: We know it works...I don't think it's a bad idea.
Nigel: Musically we all know it. Right? No problems musically.
We go right on stage. And it's quite simple. This is you
know...Ian can take care of this...
David: I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We don't
have that piece of scenery anymore.
Nigel: I know, so we build a new one. And this is it, look!
Ian: Consider...consider it done.
David: So you're just going to take care of it like that.
You're going to find someone to design it...using that as
a plan?
Ian: Let's try. Let's try.
David: If you can do it, I'll do the number.
<interview in storeroom>
Marty: Do you feel that in collaboration with David, that you are
afforded the opportunity to express yourself musically the
way you would like to?
Nigel: Well, I think I do you know in my solos.
My solos are my trademark.
<cut to Nigel's guitar solo>
<cut to room in Austin, Texas>
Ian: This looks absolutely perfect. I mean it's, uh, the right
proportions. It'll be this color right?
Artist: Yeah. Yeah.
Ian: Yeah. That's...that's...that's just terrific. It almost
looks like the real thing.
Artist: You got it.
Ian: When we get the actual, uh, set, when we get the piece,
it'll...it'll follow exactly these specifications. I
mean even these contours and everything?
Artist: Um, I'm not understanding it. What do you mean "the actual
piece?"
Ian: Well I mean...I mean when you build the actual piece.
Artist: But this is what you asked for, isn't it?
Ian: What?
Artist: Well this is the piece.
Ian: This is the piece?
Artist: Yes.
Ian: Are you telling me that this is it? This is scenery?
Have you ever been to Stonehenge?
Artist: No, I haven't been to Stonehenge.
Ian: The triptychs are...the triptychs are twenty feet high.
You can stand four men up them!
Artist: Ian, I was...I was...I was supposed to build it eighteen
inches high.
Ian: This is insane. This isn't a piece of scenery.
Artist: Look, look. Look, this is what I was asked to build.
Eighteen inches. Right here, it specifies eighteen
inches. I was given this napkin, I mean...
Ian: Forget this! Fuck the napkin!!!
--- Spinal Tap performs Stonehenge ---
Nigel: And, oh, how they danced, the little children of Stonehenge
beneath the haunted moon, or fear that daybreak might
come too soon.
<Hotel room>
David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the
band was down. I think that the problem may have been...
that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was
in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright?
That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian: I really think you're just making a much too big thing out
of it.
Derek: Making a big thing out of it would've been a good idea.
Ian: Nigel gave me a drawing that said eighteen inches.
Alright?
David: I know he did, and that's what I'm talking about.
Ian: Now, whether he knows the difference between feet and
inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David: But you're not as confused as him are you? I mean it's not
your job to be as confused as Nigel is.
Ian: It's my job to do what I'm asked to do by the creative
element of this band. And that's what I did. C'mon...
Jeanine: The audience were laughing.
Ian: So it became a comedy number.
David: Yes it did! Yes it fucking well did, and it was not
pleasant to be part of the comedy on stage. Backstage,
perhaps, it was very amusing.
Derek: Maybe we just fix the choreography. Keep the dwarf clear.
David: What do you mean?
Derek: So he won't trod upon it.
David: I don't think that's the issue. I think it's symptomatic
that maybe you're taking on more than you can...uh...uh..
uh...handle.
Jeanine: It's not exactly the first time you've messed things up
is it?
David: I mean there's been some, uh, gaping holes in the business
end of this, of this, uh.
Ian: "Not the first time"...just a minute. Excuse me. This is a
band meeting. Right? Are you here for some reason?
David: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. She's, she's
with me.
Ian: No, but is she now in the band. Is she singing backup
or something?
Jeanine: I care what happens to the band.
David: She's with me alright?
Ian: David, whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this
little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys,
you guys have built around yourselves...
David: Hey don't knock it mate. Don't knock it mate.
Ian: ...you start screaming like a bunch of poncy hairdressers.
I mean it's just a problem you know. It gets solved...
Jeanine: It doesn't.
Ian: ...you can't...you can't live in a bubble.
Jeanine: If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't
get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there?
What got solved tonight?
Ian: For one thing that goes wrong...one...one single thing
that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know
what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a
night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you
know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin
strings in the middle of Austin!
David: Yes. We've seen you. We've seen you do that.
Ian: You know? I prise the rent out of the local Hebrews.
That's what I do.
Jeanine: Well maybe you should get someone else to find the lost
luggage, and you should concentrate on what's going on on
stage!
David: Yes, yes. That's what we're talking about.
Ian: You mean you want me to be the road manager?
David: All bad...No, all bad ba...uh, could we...
Jeanine: What Dave is trying to say, if you'd let him get a word
through, is...you could maybe...do with some help.
Ian: Some help?
Jeanine: ...managing the band.
David: It's very simple, it's very simple.
Jeanine: It's that clear.
David: Maybe there's someone already in the organization.
We don't have to pay insurance. We don't have to pay extra
room, etc. Since she's already here, she's already among
us, and uh, she can...she is perfectly capable of taking
over...
Ian: She? She? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
David: Well who do you think I'm talking about? Who do you think
I'm talking about?
Ian: I would...I would have never dreamed in a million years
that it was her you were talking about!
David: Why not?
Jeanine: I am offering to help out here.
Ian: No, you're not offering to help out. You're offering to
co-manage the band with me. Is that it?
David & Jeanine:
Yes!
David: In so many words, that is exactly it.
Jeanine: Exactly!
Ian: I'm certainly not going to co-manage with some...some...
some girl just because she's your girlfriend...
David: Don't call her my girlfriend!
Ian: Alright, she's not your girlfriend. I don't know...
Jeanine: Oh girlfriend is it? You couldn't manage a classroom
full of kids! I don't know what you're doing managing a
band!
David: Why don't we just...
Jeanine: Oh shut up!!!
Ian: Look, look...I...I...this is...this is my position okay?
I am not managing it with you or any other woman,
especially one that dresses like an Australian's nightmare.
So fuck you!!!
Jeanine: Fuck you too!!!
Ian: And fuck all of you...because I quit! Alright? That's it!
Good night!!!
Derek: Can I raise a practical question at this point?
David: Yeah.
Derek: We gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow?
David: No we're not gonna fucking do Stonehenge!!!
<airport>
Jeanine: OK, we're all set, thank you, alright fellows, We've
got the tickets. We're on the 3:10 flight, gate 24,
alright. And it arrives at 4:00 in Colorado, and then
we've got a limo to take us to the lodge.
David: That's about a hundred yards from Rainbow Trout Studio.
Jeanine: Uh, what I've done is to arrange a whole load of charts.
David: Wait till you see this, wait till you see this, this is so
great
Jeanine: The band's sign is Virgo, and we see it's Saturn in the
third house, allright, and it is a bit rocky. But, because
Virgo is one of the most highly intelligent signs of the
Zodiac, we're gonna pull through this, with great aplomb.
David: Yeah. It is so clear, it really is, it's so clear...
Jeanine: Nigel hasn't got one, Nigel, Nigel, we've got some pages
for you here...
David: He's got one, he's got one...you know, think about what
jumble a tour usually is...
Jeanine: If you have a look at this.... he doesn't want it?
David: No, He's got one, he's got one
Jeanine: Now, what I want to explain to you here is that Denver..
<Interview in storeroom II>
Marty: How would you characterize your relationship with David
over the years. Has it changed in any way?
Nigel: Not really, I mean, you know, they go, we've grown up
but really it's not, no, not really... we we feel like
children much of the time, even when we're playing.
We're closer than brothers. Brothers always fight, sort of
disagreements, and all that. We really have a relationship
that's way, way past that.
<Rainbow Trout Studio>
David: Ahhhhhhh...
Nigel: He can't play the fucking guitar anymore.
Derek: You know the part, you did it this morning.
Nigel: No, he doesn't know the fucking...if he knew the fucking
part he'd play it, wouldn't he?... Are you walking out?
Are you walking out?
Derek: Fuck!
Nigel: Great, just tell me what I'm supposed to do, alright?
David: We're supposed do play the fucking thing, aren't we. We've
no choice, we've spent an hour and a half...
Nigel: I'm doing my part...do you know what would make this a lot
simpler, I mean I hate to cut right through it here, why
don't you play this alone, without some fucking angel
hanging over your head, you know what I mean?
Derek: Jesus Christ, this is fucking all we need!
Nigel: You can't fucking concentrate, because of your fucking
wife, simple as that, alright, it's your fucking wife!
David: She's not my wife!
Nigel: Whatever fuck she is, alright, you can't concentrate, we
can't fucking do the track.
David: This is unbelievable! This is unbelievable!
Nigel: No, it's not unbelievable at all...it all leads up to
this...it all leads up to this
David: This is unbelieveable. Will you check me on this, am I
losing my fucking mind? Could you check me on this, am I
losing my mind? I-I-I-I don't understand what this has to
do with anything.
<Derek's office>
Derek: We're very lucky in the sense that we've got two
visionaries in the band.
Marty: Right.
Derek: David and Nigel are both like, uh, like poets you know
like Shelley or Byron, or people like that. The two
totally distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and
ice, basically, you see and I feel my role in the band,
is to be kind of in the middle of that, kind of like
lukewarm water, in a sense.
<Limo>
Jeanine: Listen, I don't think we've got time to go to the hotel,
I think we better go straight to the base.
Nigel: To the what?
Viv: Base?
David: The gig.
Derek: To the Civic Arena, right?
David: No, it fell through.
Jeanine: No.
Nigel: Wait a sec, wait a sec, hold it, hold it! Do you know
about this, and we don't know about this?
What are you talking about?
Jeanine: We are going to the Air Force base.
Nigel: Why are we going to an Air Force base?
Jeanine: Cause the original gig fell through....
<Lindberg Air Force Base, Seattle, Washington>
Jeanine: Lieutenant Hookstrat....
Hookstratten:Ahh...Hookstratten..and you are Spinal Tarp?
Jeanine: I'm Jeanine Pettibone, and this is Spinal TAP.
Hookstratten:Spinal TAP, my mistake, I'm Lieutenant Bob Hookstratten.
Welcome to the Lindberg Air Force base. This is your
gentlemen's first visit to a military facility?
Derek: Yeah...
Hookstratten:Fine, may I start by saying how thrilled we are to have
you here, we are such fans of your music, and all of your
records.
Derek: That's great
Hookstratten:I am not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre
of the rock and roll...
David: I can understand that.
Derek: It's a great genre.
Hookstratten:...of the exciting things that are happening in the music
today. Let me explain a bit of what's going on. This is
our monthly "at-ease weekend", gives us the chance to kind
of let down our hair, although I see you all have a head
start. These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster,
believe me. Although I shouldn't talk I, my hair's getting
a little shaggy too, better not get too close to you,
they'll think I'm part of the band, I am joking, of
course. Shall we go in and I'll show you around. Walk this
way, please, right through here. Did you ever run into a
musical group works out of Kansas City call themselves
"Four Jacks and a Jill"? They've been at a Ramada Inn
there for about 18 months. If you're ever in Kansas City
and want to hear some good music, you might want to drop
by. I would like to get the playing on about 1900 hours,
if that is satisfactory?
Derek: When will that be?
Hookstratten:I make it now it is about 1830 hours.
Derek: So that's what? about 50 hours?
David: 120 hours?
Hookstratten:That's actually about 30 minutes, about a half hour,
give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
The idea is that we get it on and we get it over with and
I have just one request, would you play a couple of slow
numbers so I can dance.
--- Spinal Tap performs Sex Farm ---
Jeanine: He totally ruined the gig, there. He walks off and then
you know, he can't be expected to sit home and get money,
so we've got to get someone else in there.
<Hotel lobby>
Marty: Has he ever done this before? Has he ever....
David: Well, no.
Marty: ...quit the band before?
David: No, but it's....you've got to understand that like in the
world of rock and roll there are certain changes that
sometimes occur, and you've just got to, sort of, roll
with them, you know. I mean you read... you read... you
saw exactly how many people who's been in this band over
the years, 37 people's been in this band over the years.
I mean it's like, you know, six months from now, I can't
see myself missing Nigel more than I might miss Ross
McLochness, or Ronnie Pudding, or Danny Upham, or Little
Danny Schindler, or any of those, you know, it's...
Marty: I can't...I can't believe it. I can't believe that, you
know, that, you're lumping Nigel in with uh you know
these people you've played with for a short period of
time...
David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under
such heavy sedation, but still in all, I mean you've got
to be realistic about this sort of thing, you know....
Marty: So, what happens to the band now?
David: What do you mean?
Marty: He's not coming back, or...?
David: No, we, we shan't work together again.
<Themeland Amusement Park, Stockton, California>
Jeanine: Oh, no! I told them once, I told them a hundred times:
put "Spinal Tap" first and "Puppet show" last.
Derek: It's a morale builder, isn't it?
Jeanine: We've got a big dressing room, though.
David: What?
Jeanine: Got a big dressing room here...
David: Oh, we've got a bigger dressing room than the puppets?
Oh, that's refreshing..
Viv: I've got some of this Mendocino Rocket Fuel, that's
supposed to be really......
David: Can you play...excuse me, Viv, can you play a bassline,
uh, like Nigel used to do on "Big Bottom", can you double
that? You recall the lines in fifths?
Viv: Oh, yeah. I've got two hands here, yeah I can do it.
David: So, that's good, you can play that one.
Derek: "Hole" is out, "Heavy" is out....
David: "Heavy-Hole" ....
Derek: Right, right, right, right...."America" is out.....
David: "America" we can't do, that's Nigel's tune, not my tune.
Derek: We know, we know, we know, we know...That's a nice little
set, isn't it, that's a cozy ten minutes.
David: What are we going to do, we've got nothing to play here...
Derek: I'll tell you what we're gonna have to do...
David: What?
Derek: Jazz odyssey!
David: We're not going about to do a free-form jazz, uh,
exploration in front of a festival crowd!
--- Spinal Tap Mark II performs Jazz Odyssey ---
David: You are witnesess at the new birth of Spinal Tap Mark II,
hope you enjoy our new direction...
...on the bass: Derek Smalls, he wrote this.....
<End of Tour Party, Los Angeles>
Reporter: So tonight's the last show of the tour. How's that feel?
You know, is like this your last waltz, are we talkin'
the end of Spinal Tap, or are you gonna try to milk it for
a few more years in Europe, I mean....
David: Well, I don't, I don't really think that the end can be
assessed...uh as of itself as being the end because what
does the end feel like, it's like saying when you try to
extrapolate the end of the universe you say the...if the
universe is indeed infinite then how what does that mean?
How far is is t...is all the way and then if it stops
what's stoppin' it and what's behind what's stoppin' it,
so what's the end, you know, is my...question to you....
Guy: 'Sa good crowd. Good crowd.
Jeanine: It is, isn't it?
Guy: Yeah, it really is. I mean, you know, some of these things
just, you know, don't mean much.
Jeanine: It was hard to get at the last minute, you know, you can't
arrange it all overnight.
Derek: David, we had a fifteen-year ride, mate.
'Mean, who wants to be a fuck'n forty-five year old
rock'n'roller farting around in front of people less than
half their age?....
David: So true, so true, yeah....
Derek: ...cranking out some kind of mediocre head-banging
bullshit, you know, that we've forgotten...
David: It would b...it's beneath us...who wants to see that...
not me.
Derek: That's right...absolutely right. I mean, we could take
those projects that we thought, you know, we didn't have
time for....
David: Oh, there's dozens, there's so many dozens of projects.
Derek: You know, we didn't have time for 'em because of Tap and
bring 'em back to life maybe.
David: Do you remember what we were...do you remember the time?
Derek: At the Luton...at the Luton Palace...
David: Yes.
Derek: We were talking about a rock musical based on the life of
Jack the Ripper...
David: Yeah,'Saucy Jack.'
Derek: Right.'Saucy Jack.' Now's the time to do that.
David: "Saucy Jack, you're a naughty one, Saucy Jack, you're a
haughty one, Saucy Jack."
Derek: Right...
David: It's a freein' up, innit?
Derek: Yeah.
David: It's all this free time it's suddenly time is so elastic..
Derek: It's a gift, it's a gift of freedom. You know.
David: I've always, I've always wanted to do a collection of my
acoustic numbers with the London Philharmonic as you know.
Derek: We're lucky.
David: Yeah.
Derek: I mean people...people should be envying us. You know.
David: I envy us.
Derek: Yeah.
David: I do.
Derek: Me too.
<Dressing Room, last gig of the tour>
Derek: We'll make 'em miss us.
Viv: Last stop.
David: I'm in, I'm in tune...the last tuning
Derek: Last tuning...
Jeanine: ...time to go...shall we go...I think it's time to go.
Derek: Yeah, we're gonna do a good show, we'll do a dynamite show
David: Come to see the show?
Nigel: Yeah, hi, Mick!
Mick: Nige.
David: So d'you just come here to hang around backstage like a
real rock and roller? Is that what you're doing?
Nigel: I'm really a messenger...
David: A messenger...
Nigel: Yeah, I bumped into Ian, and....
David: Ian...Ian?...oh, the other dead man, yeah.
Nigel: Seems that "Sex Farm" is on the charts in Japan...
Derek: Spinal Tap's recording of "Sex Farm".
Nigel: It's number five, last week, actually. So, he, he, he,
um he asked me, to ask you, Tap, if you would be
interested in reforming and, uh, doing a tour. Japan.
David: So you've come back to replug our life-support systems in?
Is that it? By the grace of your, of your, uh by the
stroke of your hand...you...is that what you're gonna do?
...you are going to bring us back to life? Is that what
you've come here for?
Nigel: No I've come...
David: I mean it's...I don't...you've a fucking... nerve that you
display in com...
Nigel: No that's it's I'm just passing on information, really...
Jeanine: Yeah, I think it's time to go in, we don't have time to
discuss this now...
Nigel: David; do a good show, alright
David: Yeah, OK.
--- Spinal Tap performs Tonight I'm Going to Rock You Tonight--
David: Nigel Tufnel, Lead guitar!
<Spinal Tap tours Japan>
<Closing credits>
Marty: Do you feel that playing rock'n'roll...music keeps you a
child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested
development?
Derek: No...no...no, I feel, it's like, it's more like going,
going to a national park, or something, and there's, you
know, they preserve the moose...and that's, that's my
childhood up there on stage is that moose, you know, and..
and...
Marty: So, when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on
stage?
Derek: Yeah.
David: I've been listening to the classics, I belong to a...great
series um..It's called the 'Namesake Series' of cassettes.
Marty: Uh huh..
David: And they send you the works of famous authors, done by
actors with the same last name. So I've got Denholm Elliot
reading T.S. Elliot on this one...
Marty: Yeah...well, that's interesting...
David: I've go... Yes, I've got Danny Thomas doing "A Child's
Christmas in Wales" by Dylan Thomas, and...next month it's
Mclean Stephenson reads Robert Louis Stevenson.
Ah, "Treasure Island" I believe.
Marty: That's interesting...It's fascinating.
David: Yeah.. and there's also something...there's uh shorter
works of Washington Irving, read by someone called Dr. J.
Marty: Oh, that's Julius Irving...Julius Irving...
David: Oh!
Marty: The basketball player.
David: There you go, in keeping with the series, yes. I didn't
know that, yeah.
Nigel: You like this?
Marty: It's very nice ...it looks like Halloween...
Nigel: This is exact... my exact inner structure, done in a
T-shirt. Exactly, medically accurate, see.
Marty: So, in other words, if we were to take all your flesh
and blood and every....
Nigel: ..take them off...
Marty: ...and you'd see..exact...
Nigel: This is what you'd see...
Marty: It wouldn't be green, though?.
Nigel: It *is* green! You know, see, see how your blood looks
blue?
Marty: Yeah, well, that's just the vein, I mean the color of the
vein, the blood is actually red..
Nigel: Oh, mabye it's not green...anyway, this is what I sleep in
sometimes.
Marty: Yeah.
Marty: Denis Eton-Hogg, the president of Polymer Records...
Ian: Yes.
Marty: ...was recently knighted, what were the circumstances
surrounding his knighthood?
Ian: The specific reason why he was knighted was uh for the
founding of Hoggwood, which is um, a summer-camp for pale,
young boys.
Marty: David St. Hubbins...I ne..I must admit I've never heard
anybody with that name...
David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's
not a very well known saint.
Marty: Oh, there actually is, uh...there was a Saint Hubbins?
David: That's right, yes.
Marty: What was he the saint of?
David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
Marty: You play to predominantly, uh predominantly a white
audience, you feel your music is racist in any way?
David: No!
Nigel: No, no, of course not....
David: We pro...we say, we say "love your brother", we don't say
it, really, but..
Nigel: We don't literally say it.
David: No, we don't say it ...at all.
Nigel: No, we don't literally mean it, but we're not racists.
David: No, we don't believe it either, but...that message should
be clear anyway.
Nigel: We're anything but racists.
Derek: You know, we've grown musically... I mean, listen to some
of the rubbish we did early on, it was stupid...
Marty: Yeah.
Derek: ...you know. Now, I mean a song like "Sex Farm", we're
taking a sophisticated view of the idea of sex, you know,
and music...
Marty: ...and put it on a farm?
Derek: Yeah.
Marty: If I were to ask you what your philosophy of life, or
your creed... what would that be?
Viv: "Have...a good...time...all the time." That's my
philosophy, Marty!
David: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that
is what makes me more of a selective human, than someone
who doesn't believe anything.
Marty: Do you have a philosohpy, or creed that you live by?
Mick: Well...like, personally, I like to think about sex and
drugs and rock'n'roll, you know, that's my life...
Marty: Yeah.
David: yeah...
Marty: If you were to have something written as your epitaph...
David: "Here lies David St. Hubbins...and why not?"
Marty: You feel that sums up your...your life?
David: No, 's the first thing I could think of.
Marty: Oh, I see...
David: It doesn't sum up anything, really.
Marty: Yeah.
Nigel: I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish...
Marty: What kind of fish?
Nigel: Well, in the United States, you have cod...I like cod.
And I love tuna...those little cans you've got here...
tuna fish.
Marty: Yeah.
Nigel: ...no bones!
Marty: Yeah.
Marty: If you could not play rock'n roll, what would you do?
David: Be a full time dreamer!
Viv: I'd probably get a bit stupid and start to make a fool
of myself in public, 'cause there wouldn't be a stage to
go on.
Derek: Probably work with children.
Mick: As long as there is, you know, sex and drugs, I can do
without the rock'n'roll.
Nigel: Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind
or... or do uh... freelance... selling of some sort of...
uh... product, you know...
Marty: A salesman, you think you ....
Nigel: A salesman, like, maybe in a haberdasher, or maybe like
a...uh a chapeau shop, or something...you know, like:
"Would you...what size do you wear, sir?"
and then you answer me.
Marty: Uh...seven and a quarter.
Nigel: "I think we have that...", you see, something like that
I could do.
Marty: Yeah...you think you be happy doing something like
Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of
thing, I think I could probably muster up.
Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?
The end
Cast (in order of appearance)
Marty DiBergi Rob Reiner
Heavy Metal Fans Kimberly Stringer
Chazz Dominguez
Shari Hall
Mick Shrimpton R.J. Parnell
Viv Savage David Kaff
Ian Faith Tony Hendra
David St. Hubbins Michael McKean
Nigel Tufnel Christopher Guest
Derek Smalls Harry Shearer
Tommy Pischedda Bruno Kirby
Ethereal Fan Jean Cromie
New York M.C. Patrick Maher
John "Stumpy" Pepys Ed Begley Jr.
Ronnie Pudding Danny Kortchmar
Bobbi Fleckman Fran Drescher
Sir Denis Eton-Hogg Patrick MacNee
Bartender Memo Vera
Mime Waitress Julie Payne
Mime Waiter Dana Carvey
Angelo DiMentibello Sandy Helberg
Angelo's Associate Robin Mendken
Rolling Stone Reporter Zane Buzby
Morty The Mime Billy Crystal
Limo Groupie Jennifer Child
Rack Jobber J.J. Barry
Southern Rock Promoter George McDaniel
Tucker "Smitty" Brown Paul Benedict
Reba Anne Churchill
Terry Ladd Howard Hessman
Duke Fame Paul Shortino
Fame Groupies Cherie Darr
Lara Cody
Student Promoter Andrew J. Lederer
Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs Russ Kunkel
"Jamboree Bop" Dancers Diana Duncan
Gina Marie Pitrello
Jeanine Pettibone June Chadwick
Cindy Vicki Blue
Belinda Joyce Hyser
Airport Security Officer Gloria Gifford
Artie Fufkin Paul Shaffer
Room Service Guy Archie Hahn
Disc 'n Dat Manager Charles Levin
Janitor Wonderful Smith
Polly Deutsch Anjelica Huston
Little Druids Chris Romano
Daniel Rodgers
Lt. Hookstratten Fred Willard
Joe "Mama" Besser Fred Asparagus
L.A. Party Guest Rodney Kemerer
Moke Robert Bauer
Feb 1996, sveini@himolde.no
Amendments:
Sept 16 1995 paj@steviep.demon.co.uk
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